This funny thing has happened to me lately. I keep meeting up with people who I went to school with a long time ago—that is, people who knew me when I was still dating my ex or people who knew him well back in the day. It’s a strange feeling.
Earlier this week, I was catching up with an old colleague who asked me about him and what had happened. Despite my resolve not to divulge too much information—especially to people I don’t even know that well—I found myself unable to hold back key details about the breakup and its aftermath. Then last night I met a friend-of-a-college-friend for the first time. She mentioned that she had run into my ex and his wife (and their baby) on the street in Brooklyn a couple weeks ago. I was able to withhold the details this time, but I couldn’t stop myself from making a snide comment. It just came out. She asked if I was okay. And the truth is, I am. It’s just a knee-jerk reaction whenever I think about him.
That’s when I realized it. I may have moved on. I may have become a better person without him in my life—someone who I actually like. But I haven’t forgiven him for how he treated me, how he treated our 7+ year relationship. It just didn’t have to be like that. And honestly, almost 4 years after the breakup, I don’t know if forgiveness is in the cards for me. My Catholic upbringing says one should always be a bigger person and forgive when one has been wronged… Maybe it’s not enough, but all I want, is to be able to contain my annoyance at the mere mention of his name, to keep from wincing at the memory of the pain, especially with strangers. Is that so bad?